I Almost Canceled My Blog… Then This Happened
The word love painted on the Boise Pride Festival Diversity Tree 2018
The $50 That Felt Like Everything
I got a notification from my credit card that it had accepted the $50 fee for this website and blog.
And it felt like a gut punch.
Not because $50 is outrageous—but because right now, I can barely afford it.
That $50 represented something deeper.
It represented that I am willing to sacrifice to make my dreams come true.
It holds fears.
It holds doubts.
But more than anything—it holds hope.
There was a moment where I almost canceled it.
A very real moment where I thought, this isn’t responsible… this isn’t the right time.
But then I had to ask myself something harder:
If not now… when?
The Scroll That Changed My Mind
I was scrolling through Threads—my current obsession—when I saw a thread/post from Ryan K. Russell, a former NFL player for the Dallas Cowboys and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and out bisexual man.
He shared that he aims to write 2,000 words a day.
And something clicked for me.
If he can commit to himself like that… why can’t I?
Why am I waiting for permission to take my dreams seriously?
The Vow I’m Making to Myself
So here it is.
I’m committing to posting on this blog once a week.
Not because it’s easy.
Not because I have endless time.
But because it’s what I can manage right now.
Not more. Not less.
Just enough to stay consistent.
Because consistency feels like dedication.
What Investing in Yourself Actually Looks Like
Right now, investing in myself doesn’t look glamorous.
It looks like:
nurturing my friendships
eating well
going to the gym (even when I don’t want to)
creating content when no one is watching
It looks like choosing long-term growth over short-term comfort.
It looks like betting on myself… even when my bank account is side-eyeing me.
Sobriety, Celibacy, and Starting Over
In January 2026, I made another commitment to myself:
Sobriety.
Celibacy.
And I didn’t fully know who I would be without the things I used to rely on.
The hardest part?
The withdrawal.
And learning new ways to self-soothe.
Because when you take away your usual coping mechanisms…
you’re left with yourself.
And that can be uncomfortable.
The most surprising part?
I’m actually doing it.
With the help of a higher power… and a program… I’m doing something I didn’t think I could.
And there’s a calm here I didn’t expect.
A Letter From Love
Inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert, I wanted to try writing a letter from Love.
Dear Love, what would you have me know today?
In your body, you are feeling grateful for more time on this earth—another chance to try again.
Your hunger is ignited.
You’ve never been more calm than you are now, in this season of sobriety and celibacy.
Your inner child now has adult you to take care of it.
And nothing feels more sacred or whole.
Your Meeting of the Selves has illuminated the fact that you are rallying to support yourself and figure out the path to a better life.
Your Spiritual Cabinet has dowsed you with inspiration to reach your goals and honor your vows.
Drink water.
Ask your higher power for help.
The smallest acts of care make the biggest difference.
And honestly… there’s nothing a good cup of tea can’t soften if you find the right blend.
Your God is cuddling you so hard right now—whispering sweet words of encouragement.
You are completely and utterly forgiven for your misdeeds.
Tomorrow is a new day.
And you are held in beloved community.
What My Higher Power Feels Like
My higher power feels like something I don’t have to chase.
It feels like being held.
It reminds me of the idea of a “Pure Land”—a peaceful, joyful space where you are supported, guided, and safe to grow.
I think I first felt that kind of support when I was a kid.
I wished to move… and somehow, life made it happen.
From Hawaii to Idaho at 13.
Looking back, that feels like one of the first moments I realized:
Maybe I’m not doing this alone.
Who I’m Becoming
Through this blog, I’m becoming a better version of myself.
Someone who:
shows up
tells the truth
helps people
and loves sharing their life, their food, their journey
A little softer.
A little stronger.
And yes—a little sassier.
Final Bite
This blog might cost me $50.
But choosing myself?
That’s priceless.
